Boy meets girl. They go out. They fall in love. They live together and live happily ever after. This is the kind of stuff we read in books, watch in movies or on TV. But is this reality? Instead, this is what we commonly find happening: Boy meets girl. They go out. They fall in love. They live together. They discover who each person really is. They develop a toxic relationship. Abuse happens. The relationship ends.
Unhealthy attitudes and habits creep in slowly in relationships. You only get to realize that something is terribly wrong after some years and you don’t even remember when it started. You realize the person you fell in love with has turned into someone you don’t know anymore; a stranger who makes you think and believe that you are not good enough and you can never do anything right, a creature who constantly makes you feel anxious, fearful and threatened.
A toxic relationship is characterized by one partner, persistently degrading and damaging the other’s emotional and/or physical state. The key words in this destructive pattern are always, constantly, daily and continually. The harmful acts are done to the other in such frequency that results to the loss of respect, compassion, protection, security, support, sharing and care in the relationship. This routine makes the victim lose self-esteem and is drained both physically and emotionally.
(For generalization purposes, I will be using the term him to refer to either a male or female.)
If you no longer feel empowered, inspired, comfortable and safe in your relationship, try to check if your partner has any of the following traits or habits because you could already be in a toxic relationship:
- Makes you feel guilty of many failures. This could be done subtly and not directly but this partner constantly says things that make you blame yourself and make you believe that you caused whatever it is that is not going well. When done directly, this partner will blatantly finger point at you and blame you out front without him taking any responsibility for anything.
- Grumpy and Displays bad temper. You never get to wake up without feeling nervous if your partner is in a bad mood again for no reason at all. This partner easily gets irritated and angry for the smallest bit of things or for no apparent cause at all. Tantrum and anger bursts cause you constant fear.
- Over-Dependence. Your partner has no desire to show any effort of taking on responsibilities. You are always in the front-line for decision making. Finding solutions for almost every problem is all placed on your shoulders alone. This could also involve financial dependence on your side. This partner relies on you for everything. You may even be threatened with a suicide if you are not there for him. He appears so weak (even if he is not sick) and needy that his presence alone drains you of any remaining energy you have left.
- Belittling or correcting and name calling. It seems like all your moves lead to a losing dead end in the eyes of your partner. Your words are constantly corrected for grammar or mispronunciation. Your style of hair or clothing is always insulted. Your accomplishments are never good enough. Even your physical features are ridiculed or made fun at. He coins you with names, characters and tags that demean you as a human being. This is done when in public or when you are both alone.
- Dictatorship. Freedom and comfort have lost their meaning in the presence of this partner. All your moves are well guarded and demanded by the other. You are not allowed to speak your mind or bargain for some allowance. Words you say, your brand of clothing, who your friends ought to be, what to eat, where you can go, what to engage in, or any other personal choices are all regulated and chosen by this kind of partner.
- Superiority Complex. This partner feels so high and mighty and sees you only as a subordinate and not a partner. A follower and not a mate. A power struggle is very evident in your conversations and this partner will never let you win. The debates may seem endless and cause emotional drain on your part. He makes you feel you can never be his co-equal. He will say things that make you question your abilities and achievements which result to you resigning to the notion that you can never be at equal standing with him. The concept of apology is usually absent with these types of partners.
- Interrupts you. You never get to finish what you are saying with this person. He always cuts you off in the beginning or middle of what you are saying. He preempts what you want to express. He enjoys hearing his voice and not what you want to say.
- Uses you. This partner gets to be very nice and caring only when he needs something from you. He makes you feel that it is your responsibility to keep serving his needs and wants. His constant demand of certain favors or services indirectly feeds you the notion that if you are no longer useful to him, he will get angry and leave.
- Breaks Promises. There is no such thing as a word of honor for such partners. They always make you hope for things they never fulfill. They say flowery words to keep you believing in the “promises” but there is no effort seen on their side to fulfill what was pledged.
- Overly Possessive or being obsessed. Partners of this type tend to be religiously jealous of almost anything that comes between you and him. You will not be allowed to go out with anyone unless he comes along. You will even get into deep trouble if you merely look at someone else. He does not allow you freedom and space away from him. You are monitored through constant calls and text messaging. You are required to build your world around him. He will make sure you remember that he will never allow you to be free of him, ever.
- Complaining and Discontentment. This person has nothing to say but all the woes he has in his life. He constantly verbalizes lines that refer to things that don’t make him happy. He never sees the good things you do but only sees the things you can’t and don’t give him. He is never contented but always whines about things he dreams of and things he never gets to achieve. You can never console and please this person enough.
- Stalking and Nosy. These partners follow you around or check all your social media sites. They investigate on all your affairs. They always ask other people about your activities and whereabouts when you are not together. Your cellphones and other gadgets are not safe from his prying eyes. He will even track you down with your phone. Privacy is taboo with this toxic partner. Your words are never enough and he will make sure he noses around enough to know anything else about you.
Again, the above negativities may only be considered toxic if they are done to you on a regular basis. No one is truly perfect while in this dimension and so we must leave some space for occasional misgivings by our partner. Remember that you might have also been guilty of any of the above at one point in your relationship.
Toxic partners are highly cunning. In public or in front of friends or relatives, they act in almost untarnished ways. Their exemplary personalities will never give anyone an inkling on who they really are inside. They manipulate and control their partners and cause all sorts of damage behind the scenes. These kinds of partners are also labelled as energy vampires who perform their nasty feedings in secret. They find pleasure on draining their mate of all remaining dignity and self-worth.
People who are prone to toxic relationships:
> Suffered trauma or abuse in childhood
> People with low self-image and low self-esteem
> People who previously survived a failed relationship
> People who are from broken or dysfunctional families
> Women from highly religious denominations
> Light workers and empaths
People who survived extensive traumas, separation from former loved ones and those who came from broken relationships have the tendency to look for someone they can depend on or cling to, no matter what the price. Because they have lost so much of themselves to whatever past pain they experienced (this involved soul fragmentation), they are left lacking and needy. They tend to hook up with a “stronger” person whom they think will be their savior, only to find out in the end that they dug a deeper grave for themselves. They will cling to this partner even if they are being abused, fearing themselves ending up being left behind and abandoned again. The fear of being alone is their motivating force to stay abused.
People who are obese, have certain deformities or language impediments are also very easy prey for toxic partners. They have very low self-esteem and believe themselves so ugly and deformed. Even if they know that their mates are already abusing them, they stay and submit, thinking no one will ever lay eyes on them anymore if their current relationship ends. Whatever little self-respect and self-worth they had before entering such toxic coupling has been drained to nothingness.
Many adolescents allow themselves into toxic relationships out of peer pressure, wanting to belong, desiring to be cool and famous, fearing rejection and because of parental rebellion or parental abuse.
Women who belong to very religious sects are usually victims of such relationships. Many Christian women are. They are taught and expected to comply with the biblical teaching, “What God has joined together, no man must put asunder.” They suffer and stay in their marriage fearing that God will punish them if they don’t keep their vows. They will allow their spouse to abuse them and disempower them until the end.
Light workers, particularly empaths, are stoic victims of such relationships. Because they operate highly on their heart chakras (which deal on the love frequency), they are born with the built-in mechanism to keep on forgiving and to heal everyone with love. They love others so much that they will not mind themselves being damaged. They feel that it is their responsibility to change the destructive patterns of their partners. They stay patient and enduring through years and years of abuse because they believe in giving their loved one a million chances to change for the best. Also, they easily feel guilty. Their spiritual check and balance is always on high alert to make sure they are not hurting anyone. Because of this, they will go to the extent of blaming themselves thinking, they have done something which turned their partner to be so manipulative. Their guilt will drive them to believe that leaving the relationship will mean that they are bad people who did not love enough or persevere at all.
If you are in a toxic relationship, you should never feel responsible for your partner’s cruelty. Do not be afraid of being alone because the universe will never abandon you. You are loved and cared for by beings you cannot see. If you only ask, they will be more than eager to give you the help and right company you need and deserve. Do not be afraid of being wrong. What your toxic partner is doing to you is what’s wrong and not you. If you decide to end such a relationship, you should never feel ashamed or guilty because this only means that you are loving yourself first. You can never give what you don’t have. You can’t love and find the right love if you don’t love yourself first, in the right way. Love is never abusing another. Manipulation and control are tactics of selfishness, not love. No one can hurt you unless you allow it.
Don’t ever think that allowing your partner to drain and disempower you is a way of loving. Giving permission to this person to abuse you helps him become the worst he can be. You are not even helping this person spiritually because you are allowing him to create more bad karma for himself.
While in their early stages, toxic relationships can still be mended. Talking calmly with your partner and expressing how his acts affect you may help him realize his mistakes. Also be keen at pointing out how you wish to be treated. Do this in a time when both of you are relaxed and stress free. Ask help from the Source and your invisible guardians to assist you in doing this. After an agreement is made, give your partner time and room to change and help him change. Do your part. Remember that you cannot control your partner to change but you can change yourself. Act and speak in ways that will not allow your partner to hurt or abuse you. If nothing happens, seek counselling. A non-biased, reliable and credible third party counselor may greatly help in healing wounded relationships.
If your partner does not change after calmly pointing out his abusive or degrading habits, and counselling has failed, here is a spiritual technique you can try to help save your relationship:
The Realization Shield and Love Bubble
When you are alone, allow yourself to be completely covered and protected by a mirror shield. Program this shield to protect you from your partner’s toxic advances. Let the mirror be very powerful in making him see himself and all the wrong he is doing to you. Ordain your mirror to deflect the negative effects of his acts and make him experience for himself how he makes you feel. Allow the energy from your shield to emit a pinkish light on him. This is love energy. Ask this energy to heal him of whatever may be causing his toxic patterns. Allow this light to make him realize his mistakes and admit them.
Next, remember that we attract what we think and feel. If you daily visualize your partner being very nice, kind and supportive to you, you will notice subtle changes in the next few days. You will see that your partner will start acting in better ways. Events will be attracted that will help make him realize his mistakes.
Strongly visualize the harmonious and cooperative relationship you want for both of you. Keep doing this and avoid thinking of your partner’s negative traits. Put these good thoughts in a giant bubble and step inside it. Spiritually imagine pulling your mate inside the bubble. Keep holding each other’s hand. Clearly visualize you both locked in that bubble of love, healing and bliss. If you can bear a few more months and keep doing this spiritual exercise with enough desire, you will be amazed at how your relationship can heal.
Where physical violence and substance abuse are involved, it is very difficult or impossible to fix whatever relationship is left. Physically hurting a partner and taking drugs are vicious habits that are very hard to rehabilitate.
In cases where the relationship is beyond repair after much effort, you must let go. Do not let the number of years you’ve been together or the few happy memories let you stay abused.
If you have children and they are your reason for staying, do not feel hindered because you are only saving yourself and your kids from further damage. Children who grow up seeing their parents treating each other wrongly usually exhibit such detrimental patterns in their future relationships. They will subconsciously adapt and believe that this is the norm and there is nothing wrong with it. Help yourself and help your children if you truly want the best for them.
It is easier and faster to be released from a toxic relationship when you perform spiritual cord cutting between you and your partner. This method has been proven to be very powerful. It will free you from whatever keeps you attached to the other person. It will ease the pain of separation. It will free you from constantly looking back at what you lost and what could have been if you did not leave. It will relieve you from feeling responsible for the demise of the relationship and it will keep you from feeling guilty. Feeling pity and feeling responsible for the toxic partner you have left will also be lessened and eventually erased because the strings he has attached on you will no longer be there to feed you wrong signals. Your mind will be clearer and you will be more focused on building a new life without him.
Seeing danger from afar:
It is very true that you only see the real color of a person when you start living together for a certain period of time. Natural tendencies and attitudes begin to show three months after living together. The severity of bad attitudes and habits are full blown on the second year of staying together. It is almost impossible to tell who a person is in the dating phase of a relationship but it is your responsibility to look for subtle tendencies and be wary of them.
During courtship and dating, one always puts his best foot forward to impress and attract the other. When in the dating phase, be honest to yourself when you see some negative attitudes he has. Spiritually shield yourself from the blinding hormones of sexual attraction and falling in love. See the person for who he is and who he can become if he goes on with the strange things you noticed. Love is not blind. It has never been. In fact, love enables you to see clearly beyond the human vision. Love yourself enough so that you may see behind his “petty attitudes” that signal you: there is something wrong.
While there is still time and you are not in too deep into the relationship, as soon as you spot a tendency for him to worsen with a habit, trait, addiction or attitude, get away already. Who your potential partner is, is who he is. You cannot stop him from not being who he is by being his mate. Stop fantasizing that you can change or improve him. He may try to be “good” for a while in the early phase of your relationship but he will eventually revert to his old ways when things begin to get boring and problematic.
Whirlwind romances usually end up failing because there was not enough time to know each other deeper. Each partner gets shocked that the other is not who he really first appeared to be.
Give time before marrying or moving in with anyone. This will give both of you ample allowances to adjust to one another. You can discover more of each other so that when it’s time to live your lives as one, you have been emotionally briefed and prepared on how to deal with whatever worsening attitude one may develop or show as time goes by.